Tonight, I shed a few tears upon the realization that I'm still the same hopeless romantic.
I mean, my romance, or my ideal at least, is literally a hopeless case.
I'm going to say it here. I am utterly in love with someone I literally can't be with.
This person of interest has drawn out of me a kind of love I never thought still existed. After my first break-up, I thought I wouldn't be able to love someone else again. So I now have a boyfriend, and sadly, he loves me as obsessively as I love this other person.
The thing is I don't want to abandon my boyfriend. Yes, I don't love him as much. But we're good together. Like, I can tolerate him. I like being with him. He's very caring. I can imagine going long-term with him, but I can't see myself as his wife. Because, well, I just agreed to becoming a couple out of sheer curiosity. I actually felt no spark. And I haven't really felt that spark, if not rarely. He's just there for me. I'm not sure if I'm there for him. It's like I can drop out anytime I want. The problem is, he could die of a heart attack if I did - literally.
And then there's the person I've been really, madly, deeply in love with for quite some time now. I'm still hoping that this is just juvenile infatuation. I don't know how to explain this without looking like a bitch. I'm just really, really into him. It's like: "That's HIM. THE person you've been looking for all these years. AND, of course, because you're meant to suffer a life of eternal loneliness, you literally CAN'T be with him."
I value my principles. I don't want to make a mess. I am deeply, madly in love with a person who doesn't know anyway. We're friends, but that's just it. I can't even touch him. It will be against EVERYONE if I do.
So there. I love my current partner for his kindness and sheer dedication to our relationship. I do love him, but there's no deep romance involved. At least, for me. It's like being with a best friend you occasionally kiss.
But this other one. I'm sort of sure I'd live a sad life for having crossed paths with him. That I've actually met him, and knew him, and that I actually felt all these things for him, but we'll never ever be together.
Honestly, I wish I hadn't known him. It's a big burden in my life right now. It sucks ass. It sucks so much. What can you do if the love you have is something you can't even express? If the person you'd dedicate everything to is never going to ever know about the mountains you'll traverse, the tears you'll shed for him, nor about the sweet, sweet words you've described his being with?
I wonder if I can ever get out of this situation. I am in a rut. And given that I've gone through such a one-sided set-up for 7 years, I'm thinking maybe this will last a long, long time.
Why am I always so full of love for the wrong people?